I did not have a very good start to this weekend. It wasn’t life threatening news or anything like that but it did upset me.
The first thing happened when on Friday when I went to the dentist. I paid £18.50 for the dentist to check my teeth and tell me everything was ok. No scaling, no polishing and instead I get told that I might have an underactive thyroid. It’s odd enough that the dentist tells me this but then it got me all worried. My aunt had cancer of the thyroid and recovered, my mum’s on thyroxine so in a way I kind of knew that I might have problems in the future. But I was hoping the future was still a long way, away.
Secondly, my youngest daughter decided to try some mouse poison at my in laws house! They were green mouse poison pellets, left by the door to kill the mouse but you turn around for a second and she decides to try it. The word poison puts the fear in you but then after checking on the internet and the NHS direct line and the guy at rentokill who put the pellets there, even if she had swallowed it, it’s not life threatening. Luckily, it didn’t seem like she had swallowed any and she had spat it out as it didn’t taste that nice and she didn’t have any of the symptoms, so we were very lucky, I think. It’s not the first time she’s tried eating something that she shouldn’t so I need to start keeping an eye on her and what she puts in her mouth.
Finally, the news that did tip me over the edge was on Saturday morning. I went for my smear test and got told by the nurse that she couldn’t see the string for the contraceptive coil. It could be just curled up and stuck, or it might have got lodged inside of me or it might have fallen out. If it has fallen out, I could be pregnant! I’m struggling with two kids, I have never wanted more than two. Even, my second daughter I sometimes think I had her too soon but since it took me ages to get pregnant the first time round, I decided not to wait too long for baby number 2. Hopefully, the fact that I have an underactive thyroid means that the likelihood of being pregnant is low anyway but I really hope the coil is not wedged up somewhere. I do get a lot of backaches.
1. My mum
There’s so much I could say about my mum and everyone’s mum is special but my mum single handedly raised me, survived a divorce, and has now taken over my granddad’s business. And there’s never any fuss about it. It’s almost like a given for my mum that, ‘This is what I need to do’ not like ‘Wow, I’m doing this!’, although everyone else does it for her.
2. Gig Payne – My dance teacher
I’ve been dancing for a long time. Some of it forced, some of it liked, and lots that I wanted to do but didn’t have the time but I’m so glad at 18 I met and was taught by Gig Payne. She got me interested in Bharatnatyam, a deeply traditional Indian classical dance and she pushed me past my physical and mental boundaries.
3. Margaret Thatcher
I know she’s not everyone’s favourite but in a world where women are still fighting to be treated as equal, to be a prime minister in a ‘man’s world’ is an achievement.
4. Oprah Winfrey
At one point I used to be addicted to her talk shows. I’ve read her biography and she is another powerful woman who has achieved so much from such humble and difficult beginnings.
5. Madhuri Dixit – Bollywood actress
I think anyone who has ever danced from my era (does that make me sound old?!) and watched Indian films will have her as an idol at some point in their life. She is such an accomplished dancer and an amazing actress. Whenever, I was feeling fed up and didn’t want to do another dance practice, just thinking of her would be enough to inspire me to keep going. Plus I met her on an airplane and got her autograph.
There are so many inspirational women in this world and now, at this stage of my life, being an accountant and a mum, I find that there are so many success stories where women have made ‘it’ including Sheryl Sandberg. But the ones above are the ones I have admired as I was growing up and have had an influence in my life.
I think one of my earliest memories of dancing has go to be going to the ‘temple’ during Navratri and doing garba. This is before the temple was even built so at the time we used to hire a school hall and go the dancing there. As a natural order, we then started putting on garba shows at the school and then around the country. I remember being 6 when I did my first dance show and there were so many girls that were involved in this dance show. I remember being nervous and excited to be going on to the stage and pretending not to like the make up that we all had to wear. From then on nearly every summer holiday, I would be involved in some form of dance practice and shows.
Now my eldest daughter goes to ballet. She’s only 3 but she seems to love it. I can’t wait til she’s a bit older and she can go to Bharatnatyam classes and kathak classes. I wonder what her earliest memory of dancing will. She loves dancing to the ‘gangnam style’ song! And she does it in time and does some of those actions. Its not a song I would approve of but everyone else in the family seems to like it! But will she remember that or will she just look back on the billions of videos we make til it becomes her memory? Before that we would go to mum and baby groups and sing and dance to nursery rhymes. This will be way before her memory even starts forming so she wouldn’t remember that. It’s nice I think that songs and music plays an important part in her life though.
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t want to burden you with my problems, especially since you have so much of your own to deal with in which I can’t help you.
Sometimes, I just want to talk and I want you to listen. I don’t want advice or a berating for all the wrong I have done.
Sometimes, I just want to scream and shout and sob and until there’s nothing left.
Sometimes, I hate myself.
Sometimes, I wonder what kind of mother, a role model, I will be to my two girls when I feel so down and depressed and useless.
Sometimes, I think I’m a rubbish mum that can’t control and look after her two children.
Sometimes, I think having two kids was a very selfish thing to do.
Sometimes, I know I have to pull myself together and get on with it but I just can’t be bothered.
But then I hug my two girls. I feel their warm little bodies cuddle up to me in their sleep and I realise how lucky I am to have them. I know somehow, in some way, everything will be ok.
Daily Prompt: Lucky Star
by Krista on February 13, 2014
Today is your lucky day. You get three wishes, granted to you by The Daily Post. What are your three wishes and why?
My first wish is to win the lottery! Not a million pounds nor do I want to end up with just £10. I want just enough to get us out of debt (including mortgage) and save enough to pay for the girls education. So maybe closer to the million than the £10. But I want to have the need to carry on going to work for both myself and my husband to pay for the day to day stuff and then any extra we earn, we can save up and buy property’s or some other investment.
My second wish would be just for a day to swap bodies with a really famous film or pop star and bask in the glory and adulation of being famous and sexy. I don’t think I would want to do this every day and I’m sure there are downsides to being rich and famous and glamorous, but for one day only just to experience it would be amazing.
My third wish would be to be an amazing cook. I hate cooking. I cook because I have to feed my family. I hate having to think about what to cook, buy all the stuff, cook it, and then clean up after. But there are people in this world who enjoy doing this and make a living doing this and are really good at doing this. I wish I could be that good a cook.
Well those are my three wishes. I think the first one is the one I really wish for, the others two took me some time to think up.. I mean there are more noble causes to wish for such as I wish poverty and cancer and child abuse didn’t exist and with the break through in stem cell research, cancer may be on its way out. Fingers crossed.
I haven’t been on the blogs for a while as I have been attempting to get all the tax returns up to date before I start my new job.
My attempt to stop breastfeeding has happened. And I have stopped breastfeeding totally now. For a few days I was a bit achy and had sore breasts and I think I leaked in the night too but I think its all stopped now. My daughter also seems to be sleeping through the night a bit better now too although putting her to sleep is hard work. Tonight it took me over an hour for her to go sleep. I sometimes worry that she hasn’t eaten enough or hasn’t had enough naps or too many naps to sleep properly but once she’s asleep she seems ok.
Also, I’ve started putting both my daughters to sleep together. My older daughter though has started waking up again in the night and always seems to look tired so I’m not too sure if that is a good idea. At the moment I have been sleeping with them so that I can sort of make sure that neither of them kicks the other at night and start bawling their eyes out. I might consider putting two single beds in their room eventually but at the moment its easier (for me) to sleep with them together.
And now I’m in full swing getting ready for Christmas. I have a feeling I’ll be busy so I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and hope all their dreams and wishes come true in the new year.
Merry Christmas to everyone and a Happy New Year.
It’s a miracle! My younger daughter slept through the night! She fell asleep at between 7.30 and 8pm last night and then she slept through the night til about 6.45am this morning. I still slept in the same bed as her and I kept waking up as she faffed around in bed but she didn’t actually wake up. What a breakthrough! It took me a while to get her to sleep. About half an hour of rocking and cuddling etc. But then she slept through the night! I know, I keep saying ‘slept through the night’ but I’m sooooo happy.
My older daughter on the other had, kept waking up and didn’t fall asleep until after 9pm. After that she slept through the night but it was hard work for two hours. Hopefully, we’re getting there now 🙂