When I have some work, I want more work. When I have the more work I wanted, I can’t cope and don’t want so much work. I really don’t know what I want. I don’t know whether I want a lifestyle or a career but I don’t feel like I am doing very well with either. I don’t have the dedication to be a career driven person at the moment but I don’t want to just work to get by. I would like to have the lifestyle of the perfect work life balance but at the moment we don’t really earn enough money to be able to do that. Plus when I think about it, I’ve worked so hard to get here and now I do nothing substantial? Other times I think, when will I stop to take a break and enjoy my life. Still other times, I think I’m too young to want to slow down but I can’t keep with the amount of stress involved with working so much as well as doing everything else.
Ideally, I would like to carry on working with the one subcontract which may start giving me more work in the long run or maybe even become permanent (well I can hope!) and then try and lose the other one. Which I do like and think I would be good at in the long run but I have been doing it all my working life and I think I need a change. One of my biggest fear, though, is that I will say no to the second contract and then the first contract will decide that they don’t need me and let me go. And then I will have no work. If I just keep the first contract, then I have time to look after my girls which is the main lifestyle choice I want to make and maybe even pursue a hobby or some other income stream which might not need so much hard work in the long run. But what will I do when the kids have grown up and I have time to do more work but there’s nothing around and by that time who would want to employ an older person?
I like to believe in the philosophy that what’s meant to happen will happen. Which is great for some things that I can’t control. I mean what’s the point in worrying? It’s not really going to change anything. But for the things that I have to make a decision on, like work and which school to send my daughters too, I can’t help worrying about it.
At the moment, I must sound like a broken record but I do think I am getting somewhere a little closer to what I want for now because I know for a fact things will change and I will be wondering what to do again. And I miss Bikram Yoga. I need to change something to get that back into my life again!
“Next time you’re stressed, take a step back, inhale and laugh. Remember who you are and why you’re here. You’re never given anything in this world that you can’t handle. Be strong, be flexible, love yourself, and love others. Always remember, just keep moving forward.”